Today is hard!

Today is said to be national Birth Mom day....
I started the day by volunteering at the Global Orphan Project Family 5K run.  We volunteered as a family, Little C played and I prayed as my heart was overfilled with the amount of people that showed up to run or walk in support of all the orphans around the world.  I wondered if anyone even knew today was known as National Birth Mom Day..probably not unless you are in the network of adoptive families...
My heart hurt also...because I missed my little Alexey so much.  I cheered on people and read their shirts that were about their support of orphans or that part of their hearts were in Haiti,  I cried inside because mine is stuck across the world in Russia.  I wanted to hold a big banner that said mine is stuck in Russia and wanted people to fell sorry for me..just because I was feeling blue...Don't worry, I didn't say a word.  I have read inspirational thoughts all day on adoption blogs and support group pages and they have all just dug that dagger in my side a little deeper.  I do know there is nothing I can do but pray that God will bring him home someday.  On this Mother's Day Eve I have felt my own heartache but then I wondered if his birth mom's heart is hurting too..  I wonder if she misses him, or wonders where he is?  Does she care that he is in an orphanage somewhere or if he is in a new family.  As I ponder these questions the pain in my heart is overcome by bits of anger...Why didn't you want him?  Why didn't you take care of him?  Why haven't you tried to get him back?  Why..why..why....Today is hard.  I think the hardest thing today is that my sweet boy is innocent and is being robbed of precious time with his new family, he is not getting loved on day in and day out, he is not getting to run and play with Colby, he missed out on our family vacation.  I just wonder if she knew he was stuck in a political mess and being robbed of a family, would she change her mind and rescue him from the life of a mundane institution.

I think about her and if she gave him his Big Brown Eyes and Olive skin.  She has never seen his smile, but it would make her smile too.  I wonder if she was timid too. 

I prayed for her that she will find her way....I don't know what too?  Maybe the Lord, maybe financial security, a life free of addictions, a life free from her vicious circle of life that she only knows, a life free of being a single mom with kids not in her possession.  I pray lots of things for her...but it is hard to get those out........so I just pray she finds her way.

I pray words of Thanksgiving for birthing the beautiful boy I got to hold and know.  For giving life to him even if it is not the ideal life..you still choose life.  For that I thank you!   Thank you for getting him to a safe place and doing what you could.  I thank you for knowing that when you couldn't provide that you needed to let someone else help.  Thank you.  Those chains of events brought him to my heart and our home.  He is now loved from across the world.

 I will continue to love him all the days of my life.  I will always have a son across the world in a place called Chita, Russia.  I will continue to pray for his safety and know that God is in control.  I know that he is taking care of my little Alexey.  I know that when we embarked on this journey to adoption, we said yes to the hurts that go with it.  Not just his, but ours.  God has asked us to patiently wait, while he works on much grander things than my little family.  The only words that come to me on a regular basis are those of the Lord spoken in Mathew 14:31 - You of little faith, why did you doubt?"  So I know the work is not done...but while I wait today is hard.